| el ol el |
[Jul. 19th, 2006|09:56 pm] |
ahh, where do i begin?
Right now im in a computer room in Manhattan College and im pretty sure i finished all my work, all i have to do is read.
First of all, i'd like to say that im enjoying the experience and having a lot of fun. I think im going to be sad on the last day, its funny.
I also thank jessenia for me taking her advice because its good to get away from all the problems at home. I feel more relaxed here. There are still some things that are troubling me, but for the most part im completely fine, i just can't stop thinking about this one girl. I mean, it sounds weird because a lot of people come into my life and i become semi- or fully attached to them.. Idk, she's great. For some reason me and her just click and it makes me wonder if what i felt before for Angelic was real or was it just me being naive, wanting something so badly because i knew i couldnt have it?
But anyways, that's besides the point. Im doing a lot of work here now and i definitely miss all my friends back at home. Especially steven hahaha. I miss talking to jessenia and adelyn on the phone, i miss hanging out with Joluis and Dustin though they probably dont feel the same way. I miss angie, i miss my sister... But i know that what i do here now will shape my future so im going to work my hardest to make all of you proud.. OK? I promise.
Lately i have been wondering what has made me so paranoid, i guess im scared to lose those who are so precious to me so i get paranoid and start thinking that something bad will happen and they will leave. I know that it's a bad way of looking at things, and there's some things i have to change and i will try, i will be succesful..
Poem i wrote, that i willperform at showcase: (Spoken Word)
So what you're saying is
at this time
in my mind
i should think about
the strife that defies our loves
meanwhile trying to reach high for the sky;
living on the block, not trying to get high
and not trying to ruin my social pride
we live these words words
of this lyrical verse everyday......
suprising to many people but its the truth you see
but still we live on through the struggle
hoping that we'll have better lives than our mothers
its hard out here
not trying to succumb to peer pressure
but you have to understand that "being cool" isnt a measure of who you are
it doesnt matter if you can rob a car,
stab another one of your own
cause at the end of the day you'll still be in the same place
unless we work towards our goals and strive for the best
and make sure that you know that we can pass the test
of life..
but that's besides the point
though life is hard
we can make it far
and defy all of the odds
then reach the stars
with motivation, inspiration, and especially dedication
the top just wontbe enough
today i promise to tell you who i am
so you know my name tomorrow when you see me on news-stands.
--------
end.
AHH i spit hot-fire. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 30th, 2006|01:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Yomo- No Hay Nadie | ] |
Great Friends , i have..
/sarcasm |
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| Just another writing |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|11:09 pm] |
Basically, I want to introduce who I am to you all. I feel like I have something to offer to this world, I wish I could show everyone who I really am because I want to contribute something to their life, leave a long-lasting effect, let them remember me. That’s what I want to achieve in life. Money doesn’t matter to me..
Satisfaction does. And right now, I aint got no satisfaction.
We all have dreams and goals that we set for ourselves, for us to complete during our lifetime. These goals make us who we are as people, and define our character. Personally, I would like to introduce the type of person who I am, and why I am who I am, for those of you who don’t know. Currently, I am an above average student, and there are a lot of factors in my life that drive me and motivate me to do and achieve my goals, however we all have our flaws, that is what I want to talk to about in this piece of writing. About our flaws, how those flaws help me become a better person and help me move on in life.
Sometimes in life, havent you thought to yourself, “how do I do this?” with all the problems we have in our world today, I wouldn’t be surprised if I did. My family is that of low income, my sister has her own problems, she isn’t going to school at the moment, and my mom is a baby-sitter, and my father, well, my father is an independent Journalist, so money doesn’t come that easy for him. On-top of that, I live in the Bronx, NY. A place where anything can happen, you can die any day, and get caught up in any situation. I want to get out of here so badly, its like a hell-hole. Thank God I have my friends around me to make it better for me, to make me feel happy, but sometimes, im not even content with my friends.
Friends are a very special part of my life, I love to help my friends out, and I think that sometimes people misunderstand me for who I really am, I really do wish people knew me for me and not for the image I show, I just don’t know how to express myself other than through my writing, and sometimes I cant get that to people, sadly. I want to make new friends, I want to have new people to trust, new people to love, that would be the greatest gift, it would be something that would make me truly happy. I don’t have anything against my current friends, best/friends, but im just not content with what I have right now, and I don’t know if its that im trying to bite more than I can chew but that’s just how I feel, it’s a terrible feeling, but I cant do anything about it.
Throughout my life I have faced many hardships: deaths, near-deaths, and a lot of other drama. I have consistently been a counselor figure to all of my friends, Im always there to support them, and a lot of their weight is usually carried on my shoulders, THOUGH, I have no problem with that, because that’s what friends are for. Maybe that’s why I want to be a counselor when I grow up, some kind of therapist. I love helping people out, it satisfies me, knowing that I helped someone, I just the hate the fact that I cant help myself sometimes.
The positive figures in my life that motivate me to success, are well, the negative ones.. Knowing everything around me, knowing everything about the world makes me strive to be a better person so that I could one day change the world, because I know I have a gift. I never want to sound conceited but I know I have a gift, some kind of talent, and what I want to do is I want to show the world what I am capable of.
Personally, I am a confusing person, I have many mixed emotions that I never know what to do. I Am a very shy guy, but once I make friends, I normally act myself, but usually I just act a certain way to impress a certain person/people. I just want to be liked/loved. I am an attention whore, and I admit that, it’s weird to say. I don’t think its that I didn’t get attention at home, I just never felt like I got the credit I deserved, I always felt like I did something for someone, and never got the littlest appreciation. I never achieved any satisfaction doing what I do, MOST of my decisions throughout life were done spontaneously or on impulse, only recently I learned a very valuable lesson. “GO FOR IT.” if you want something, go for it. I understand that concept now.
This has been a little introduction of myself, of who I am and who I want to be. I just want to leave a positive effect on this world, and I want to change it somehow. And I know I can because “Impossible is nothing.” |
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| wow, what a weekend. |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|04:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Damien Rice- The blowers Daughter | ] |
Im back, and im not too glad to be back. i Had fun out at the Greenkill Outdoor place thingy, were i went with my Fellow LibertyLEADS students, my coHort.. i love them all, its funny i've only known these people for a couple of days and i know them better than most people in my class, that's funny. In two days i've grown to trust and love them, through ropes courses, and just coming together as a group to understand who we are....
I learned a lot about friendship, and it makes me want to question what i have here, but i wouldnt want to, i can tell that people missed me, i think i can...
I met some people that i was interested in, but one of them seems like she wasnt interested in me, which is cool, i understand that.. And im not gonna rush anything im going to talk to her in a couple of days and just be myself, because she seems like a cool girl, and it would be great to get to know her better, and hopefully she would like the same.
Though, in my mind, i convinced myself that i like her, when its NOT that serious, its just the feeling you get when you want to be "liked" back. i dont know if that's the situation or not, but we'll find out sooner or later, i'll find out.
I love the people that i was with because i just felt loved, you know? Everyone was cool with each other, kind, and all but now im back in the bum ass bronx..
As we speak, a girl, that i met, that likes me, IS CONSTANTLY TEXT MESSAGING ME.
Honestly, its pissing me off, she seemed like a gool girl but now she's a like "so whats up with u and [insert girls name here] , do you like her? i think your cute? can you tell me ? please? did i make you angry? so can you tell me?
meh, i just dont want to come off as a dick...
And i think that one girl isnt interested because i came off a person that thinks i can get a girl easily, but what i really want to do is get to know her, cause like i said before she has a great personality and is very pretty..
But yeah, that's a short update on a LONG weekend. ill write back in later..
pz. |
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| By a great friend of mine |
[Jun. 20th, 2006|03:44 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Dashboard Confessional - Don't wait | ] |
Barbara Ofosu- Somuah
Fordham Step Programà Question 3
To everyone there is at least one individual who is significant in their lives. This someone is always there to help, guide, and support them. In my particular case, that person is Phillip, my best friend.
Phillip’s background is unusual on its own and yet it has given him the strength to be the person and friend he is today. Phillip lives with his single mom and his bipolar older sister who recently dropped out of twelfth grade. His father, who has the money and facilities to support them, doesn’t. He lives less than an hour away and yet doesn’t keep contact with his family. Despite these negative influences that you would think would work against him, Phillip uses these factors as a basis to better himself.
Six years ago, coming here from Ghana, West Africa, with my accent and the fear of starting over, he was one of the first people I met at my new school. Made fun of for the way I talked, Phillip, who was one of the smartest and I guess well respected guys in the class, stood up for me. He took me under his wing and we’ve been friends ever since. Through our friendship, we discovered shared interests which made our bond even stronger. Our particular interests include: computers, sports, and music. Through these interests, we were able to develop our elementary school’s website. Ours is a friendship that remains as strong today as the day we met and I am grateful for it.
Phillip is an inspiration to me and his story should be an inspiration for others. It is very hard for me to imagine what my life would have been like if I had not met him that day six years ago. I am grateful to have someone in my life who is not only my best friend but inspires me in everything I do. I do not know where I will be tomorrow but as that saying goes, “when you don’t want to look back and you are scared to look ahead, you can always look beside you and your best friend will be there” and truthfully, I know he will. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 17th, 2006|05:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Lost Prophets- Last train | ] |
well how do i start this off?
meh my head has been so caught up on one person, Angelic. Like really.. this sucks. :[ It sucks for the fact, that i've stated this so many times, and you cant have what you want, well, at least i cant. And now there are these two girls from Florida (yeah wow so far away) that i've gotten to like their personality, but also their in Florida so scratch that, not theres this other girl that likes me and i kinda like her but i really dont know her and i dont want to rush into anything because of all the things im going to be doing this summer, it would be pointless. really, it would.
meh and i also know i can't be with angelic so i hate knowing that i have to settle for someone i dont want. Like, my mind is made up i just WANT to be with her, she's makes my fucking world go round but i just can't have another realationship when i cant see or speak to the person due to the fact that her parents are really really strict :[ oh well...
TIME TO FOCUS ON MY FUTURE! im going to the LibertyLEADS program thingy pretty soon, gonna start out fresh... i just wish i could have what i want..
and everyone keeps telling me to get over her...
but i've fallen in love..... |
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| when can i see you again??? |
[Jun. 4th, 2006|06:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Babyface- when can i see you again? | ] |
When can my heart beat again
When does the pain ever end
When do the tears stop from running over
When does “you'll get over it” begin
I hear what you're saying
But I swear that it's not making sense
So when can I see you
When can I see you again
When can my heart beat again
When can I see you again
When can I breathe once again
And when can I see you
When does my "someday" begin
When I'll find someone again
And what if I still am not truly over
What am I supposed to do then, babe...
Do you see what I'm saying
Even if, if it's not making sense
So when can I see you
When can I see you again
When can my heart beat again
When can I see you again
And when can I breathe once again
And when can I see you... again
Yeah, baby
Do you see what I'm saying
Even if, if it's not making sense, baby
So when can I see you again
When can I see you again
Can my heart beat again, baby
When can I see you again
And when can I breathe once again
And when can I see, babe, again
Wanna see you again
Again... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 31st, 2006|07:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Armor for sleep- Kind of Perfect | ] |
well, i feel like shit right now, and i have no one to talk to.. So i might as well type this out.
I havent been in the best of moods lately, and i swear to everything i love i cant wait till July. I can't stand being around the people im around right now, its too dramatic, and i feel like a little puppet amongst them all, but i dont do anything about it, i dont say anything about it, and i have no idea why, honestly. :[ Honestly, for one of the first times i can say this, i feel heartbroken, knowing i cant have what i want.. do you know how much that sucks? Going for something and then realizing that no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do you can't have it?
:/ There's not much really driving me to move on right now. Honestly, i just can't wait till July, i wish i was still into Competitive Gaming, with all those new friends i had met, that was my escape, now i play games and its nothing. I just want to make a difference in this world, im so angry right now..
What do i have to do to get what i want?
I Don't want to do anything anymore. I hate schoolwork, i hate it, i dont even wanna go outside anymore... The only thing i love to do outside is play basketball, i dont even like going out to the movies or parties anymore..
Personally, i feel unloved... I know its life and deal with and stop whining and all this bullshit, but after more than a couple of lets say quite traumatic events occur in your life, or after you realize the REALITY of this earth, it starts to get to you, it breaks you down and eats you alive, knowing the truth. If i was stupid it would all be different.. knowing about death about hate about lieing why does the world have to be like this? /offtopic rant.
meh, im not as angry as i first was when i started typing this entry, i just can't take it anymore, i can't take the heat, i have a PROJECT DUE IN 2 DAYS AND I HAVENT STARTED!!!
I need an outlet for stress, something im good at. shit.
I can't wait till July. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 29th, 2006|07:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The sound of the fan | ] |
At the Moment...
Feeling: Blah
Looking for: Someone
Waiting to: Get Back on my feet
Trying to: Let go
Cant: Let go
Longing for: Happiness
All of this can be bought for with a mastercard, everything else.. is pricelesss
hahah what a corny joke, im bored. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 27th, 2006|01:27 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Babyface- Nobody knows it but me | ] |
Im soo happy im going away from all of this in July. I dont care that im going to be doing so much homework/studying/work its gonna blow my brains out, but at least i'll be away from all of this. Nothing really has happened thats been dramatic in any way, its just that the things that happen to me i dont know what it is, but i really think its unreal.
Honestly..
I think that i sacrifice too much for others, not that i expect anything in return, but at least i would like some support i mean, be a real friend, don't act all two-faced that's all i ask, i think i'm more than patient with these people, and i thought i could trust them but it doesnt look like i can. Meh, that's life right, you HAVE to learn the hard way. And i do not want to go on throughout my life not being able to trust because of some people that i have encountered, so everytime, even if i get hurt, giving out my trust, whatever doesnt kill me makes me better, and i will learn from each experience. I feel like being a dick to everyone that has been one to me, but im not even going to be one, im just going to move on..
Meh, now to the situation. I like this girl, but my best friend likes her and i, personally, would'nt make a move on her because i know he likes her and he's my "best" friend, right? But he know's i like her, and he goes on and seems like he really doesn't care, and im not saying that NONE of us can have her, its just weird when everytime im the one that has to make the sacrifice.. I just can't have what i want the most, same thing when i was with angelic, i really couldn't be with her, so why the fuck bother? :(
And i mean, i had the chance but i wanted to be considerate and now it bites me in the ass, how great is that? reminds me of something that happened two fucking years ago. I just need some advice, i really dont want to break a friendship, but these so called "friends" dont even seem like they care about how I feel.. So why should i care about how they feel? |
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